Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize