my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize