I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
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I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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