she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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