I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We are two peas in an std pod
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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