awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
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I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
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woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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