There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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