Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize