once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Shame - the story of my life.
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