i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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