my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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