textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize