how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
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According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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