I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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