I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
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It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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