Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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