Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
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She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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