I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
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I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
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The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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