K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize