I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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