I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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