I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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