it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Barsexuality is the new black.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
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just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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