my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
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Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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