i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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