My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
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So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
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Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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