I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
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At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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