cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
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She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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