I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
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She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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