You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
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Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
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If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
So here I am, sexting at work.
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