Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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