something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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