I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
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I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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