seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
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Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
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Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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