sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
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Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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