Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize