and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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