I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize