i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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