By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
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She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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