just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize