I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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