It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
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Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
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No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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