I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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