Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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