I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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