get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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