i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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