those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
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he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
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How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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