I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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